Kissed a man

"I kissed a MAN!!!" Josh bellowed from across the room. Proudly correcting James who happens to be a rather swollen black man; had a typical running back physique. James had witnessed josh kissing me the previous weekend whilst partying. I'm sure he ploted all weekend how he was gonna embarass josh with that liplock. What James DiDNT know was that josh is never ashamed of his tendencies. So when James told the story to other coworkers he says, "josh kissed a boy!". Only to hear the proud reply of josh, "pfffft. I kissed a MAN!".

Poopermint Patty

This story starts out as many do - inebriated. A handful of us made it to the local pub and began a proper night of debauchery with close friends which would end up, not beknownst to any of us at the time, giving us the greatest story any man can have in his arsenal against his friends. Its that story that keeeeeeps on giving. So by the end of the night Danny had had a tough night of drinking and taking endless crap about this or that. So when the tab came he decided to cover the whole thing in an act of drunken Spanish machoness towards the now-sexy waitress. I believe he even dropped her 40% for tip. Ever since that night, we got great service from her(wonder why) and danny would get the occasional flirt session.

One night, Danny and Case decide to go to the local meat market where Patty(pub girl) was sitting in the corner by herself getting her drink on. Danny sits down after a little encouragement(beer) and talks with her and shortly after they leave together.. bound for the poo town. Daniel serviced the cute waitress well. is it well or is it good? well... she took it good. Better than a jiffy lube tech. All's well in the dump of a studio but mid-pump Danny thinks he hears a request for Analville. He thinks to himself. ''No, that can't be". Moves along and thinks nothing of it. Minutes later he hears the request loud as day. So, without hesitation, in the dark of night(I shit you not) he finds the hole like Little Jack Horner. So there he is pumpin away in a fury of Spanish passion on this sphincter. Only it was tainted by the dirty thumb staring back at him asking ''why?''. In a frenzied state he wiped the dirty digit on her sheets. It was too late. now he had caaca on his thumb, the sheets, and his weiner. it could get no worse. Whilst powering through this soon-t0-be tragic event, Poopermint Patty's dog decided to join in the fun. The little dog (a beagle if i remember correctly) jumps on the bed and starts to lick the Dan's asshole. I assume he used the flipper on the beagle but this time it would have been called the dirty flipper. I wonder if thats what scared off the dog. It was all he could do to finish up and then curl into the fetal position and reflect on what a $40 dollar tip did to him. I must mention that the night was filled with vile smells an awkward snores under those sheets.

He sneaks out the next morning only to realize later he left his $40 Kangol there. He calls and texts her but gets no response. Finally he sends a mean hateful text to her because of this. Come to find out, she was in Jamaica for the week. Funny, we got pretty bad service from her after that.

About 3 months later we were sitting there and I am telling the story (one of my fav stories to tell) to dannys brother. He says "ill get your hat back" and walks up to poopermint. He tells her "hey, im danny's brother, and I think he left his hat at your house. I need to get it back, its actually my hat". She replies "It burned up in a house fire".

The lesson learned from this is machoness can cost you as much as $80 and bad service.

La Mandarina del Vuelo (The Flying Tangerine)

I didn't want to blog this but my arm was twisted enough times. I want to state immediately that this wasn't my proudest moment nor my brightest..

I've been called a lot of names in my 28 years on planet Earf. Names like Dickhead, Jerk, Asshole, Boomer, Boner, Idiot, Manwhore.. I mean the list goes on forever but they're all derivatives of the above mentioned. Theres one name I've been called that needs to be explained. That would be the Flying Tangerine. where to begin..

welllllll it begins with martini's at the Bees, as in Applebees. who fuckin drinks martinis at Applebees you ask? well I certainly do. no need for restaurant discrimination. i'd say I had three of those bad boy filthy grey goose martinis and i was feelin a little bojangled. Oh I need to mention i was three weeks off of buying a almost new Saab 9.3. did I mention the turbo:). after three martinis I felt it was time to get myself home before I got into any trouble. Everybody parted ways and I went on my way home. I was so proud of myself because i wasn't abusing the turbo because i had been drinking. so i got about two miles from home and realized i was home free... time for turboner. rounded the corner and punched it. AS SOON as it kicked in this asshole next to me in the outside lane decides to make a u turn.. yes a u turn. i couldn't react quickly enough and t boned him. not high speed but enough to do damage to his back axle or support arms and my passenger airbag went off. my airbag didn't go off . go figure. every hampster in my head went into crisis mode as soon as we crashed. I knew it. ''I'm fucked'', I said to myself. I get out and tell the guy we should get the cars off the road first. he drove his 3 wheel motioned buick into one parking lot and i pushed mine(dam car wouldn't start) inot the adjacent lot. at this point I knew I was going to get a DWI so I had to get the fuck out of there. why not? I had seen a similar thing happen on a COPS episode yearssss earlier. Forgot to mention the tangarine button up shirt I had on. Went over to the guy and he was on the phone to the cops. DOUBLE FREAK OUT MODE. the whole ''lets exchange info bit'' wasn't gonna work. I decided I was gonna fuckin book it. I told the guy over his conversation that i was gonna head over to my car which wasn't visible from his location and grab my insurance and registration crap. as soon as he couldn't see me I took off like Superman behind a bunch of condos with a Tangerine shirt on. I'm sure, actually im positive, that some dude was eating jamocha almond fudge and watching American Idol when he saw a Tangerine bolt of lightning sail across his back wall. Im tired after writing so im gonna skip some boring details. I got home and poured myself a big drink and called the the cops. I got out of it. I got a ticket for leaving the scene of an accident but I got out of a DWI. the cop knew exactly what I did but couldn't do a damn thing. I had outsmarted them:) and got to sleep in my bed that night.

Sorry Tracy

An email that i got copied on

Tracy,

sorry for not returning your call the other day.  I've been thinking.. hah a .  I dont think I can see you anymore.  I've really been thinking about it but getting physical with you doesn't seem like the smart thing for me to do.  I'm really glad you were honest and told me about the you know what:) but I dont want to risk it.  Maybe last summer when we were dating I would have chanced it because I really liked you.  Lets be honest our dating is spotty at best and I'd be an idiot to think its really gonna materialize.  I dont even think I want it to materialize.  We've tried it too many times and its never gonna happen so its not worth it to put myself at risk of herpes.  I hope you understand.  your friend       Case

Polar Pimps Club

I talked to adrian today, he reminded me of something that I just have to get out before i forget again.

The Polar Pimps Club - 

Adrians stepdad Mike had a house wayyy up in Alto. It was cool, far away from everyone, lots of space, had a hot tub, and best of all it was a bach pad. 

One night, of course we were drinking, Adrian had a little party out there to celebrate Mike being out of town. Not even a party, we'll call it a get together. I wanna say this was winter of 99. I remember some drunk girls being there, and casey trying to hook up with one and she ended up puking. 

So there were 3 of us that night, Casey, Adro and me(josh) sitting in the hot tub. Possibly Justin was there but im not sure. It had snowed a couple days earlier, and there was a good 10 inches of snow on the ground. the bud light was flowing pretty heavily that night too.

It started with someone daring someone else to go step in the snow then run back to the hot tub. that progressed to laying in the snow, then rolling in the snow and coming back. Finally, we all decided the ultimate would be to roll in the snow, run around the freaking house, roll in the snow again in front of the deck, then jump back in the hot tub. I went second. 

I remember getting out of the hot tub and rolling in the snow. then the journey started. Wow, the house was not small, and running around it required a short stint through some very hard and pointy bushes. Halfway around i couldnt feel my toes anymore but the optimist in me thought "youre almost there". I finally reached the second roll spot and rolled. The snow seemed much colder this time. I got up and made a mad dash to the hot tub, jumped in and displaced about half of the water. 

Adrian made his pass around and Casey made his pass around. We then declared ourselves Polar Pimps. This was a very elusive club because we never had an induction ceremony like this again.

The next morning, Mike showed up and we were all still sleeping. Mike was PISSED. the house was trashed. We were all getting chewed out and mike went out to look at the hot tub. He ripped the cover off to reveal a floating bud light can, bobbing in the beer stained water that was about 4 inches low. "God Damit Adro" he yelled out.

Gay Chicken

Amazingly Casey got this posted on Urban Dictionary

A game played with straight people to see who has more balls, metaphorically. the game is played in several ways. The most simple, and weakest, is the kiss. One 'player' moves in for a sensual kiss until one of the 'players' backs off. I've seen this lead to tongues but someone will always pull away. Another way gay chicken is played is by groping the other 'players' genitals or breasts or anything you can get your hands on. The most common form of the game is gay pillow talk in which each interaction escalates until someone laughs or just can't respond. Lastly, 'players' can initiate dry humping sessions. Hardcore 'players' will use a combination of three tactics to win the game. Some have been known to even use all four tactics at once. This plan of attack is very tricky. Joshua is the King of gay chicken. I saw him pulling down Daniel's pants while he was kissing his neck. Then he proceeded to dry hump him as he tried to run away with his pants down.

10,000,000 sperm, and you were the winner

Just a chat conversation that was sent to me in October of 06

Casey: what's got a shiny top and as queer as a 3 dollar bill?

Daniel: your mama

Casey: f#$% you

Daniel: your car

Casey: f#$% you

Casey: no its YOU

Daniel: yeah I couldn't see that coming from a mile away

Casey: I’m surprised you can see anything with that tremendous glare coming off your head.

Casey: you know that's getting pasted to Joshy.

Daniel: it's amazing

Daniel: 10,000,000 sperm and you were the winner

Casey: ditto

Casey: i guess your sperm had the advantage

Casey: aerodynamics of the head

Daniel: good one

Daniel: yours must have had the respect of the others they thought it was an elder with all that grey hair

Daniel: age before beauty

Casey: lol

The GHB Incident

I (Josh) had a job where I worked with many women. There was one girl in particular that told me the she could out drink me any day. We will call her "Andy". This is the story of a psycho skank slut, and how she made psycho accusations of my "crew".
It was friday at about 10am and i was hating the fact that i was at work. So in a quick Castanza move, i faked being sick and went home. Got a call from Andy asking if i wanted to go to lunch at 2 fools. I said yes and met her there at around 12:30. We were drinking at a moderate pace, talking bullshit about people at work (she had quit a week prior) and eating lunch. She began to lecture me about how wrong it was for me to talk to another girl at work(keep in mind im out with her) and it wasnt fair to my wife. We eventually got over that, and at about 4pm Danny bear and his brother showed up. They were very impressed with Andy, as most guys were. Danny's brother soon left, and my wife showed up at about 5:30. It was also at that time that Andy and I got cut off. We decided to take the party to Zinc.
We met up with Casey and his cousin Melissa at zinc and continued to drink. I remember that Andy had something to eat there also. We drank there keeping that moderate pace, the decided to go to Monte Vista Meat Market.
We had a couple of drinks at the meat market. Andy decided to stop drinking and awarded victory to me for our little drinkfest. I personally didnt think we even drank that much. I mean, i was buzzed, but by no means drunk. We decided to leave the meat market and go to danny's house. It was me, Casey, Melissa, Elena, Danny and Andy.
When we got to danny's house, we got some drinks, went outside and hit golf balls off his back patio for a while. Melissa soon went to sleep, so it was just the 5 of us. Casey pulled me into the garage and told me that Andy had grabbed his junk, and he was going to get it on with her. I said "no way, she has a boyfriend and she wouldnt do that." At least thats what i thought. A little while later, Andy announced to all of us that she was going to go home. It was about 1 am and i remember watching her walk to see if she appeared drunk at all. She was walking striaght, and her eyes were very white, and there was no slur in her speech. She had also stopped drinking about 3 hours ago, and since she only had about a 1 mile drive, i figured she was ok.

She went to the otehr room where casey was to say bye to him and stayed in there for a while. Elena finally went and looked around the corner only to see them making out in there. wait. what? miss perfect with her perfect relationship that was lecturing me is in there making out with casey? no way. She came in the room said bye and walked out the door. Weird, casey is gone too. I knew she lived with her boyfriend, soooo what were they gonna do? Just do it in the driveway? I had to see this. 

There was a ladder already up at the back of danny's house from a previous drunken night, we climbed up on the roof and watched. I couldnt believe my eyes. They were going at it. hardcore. First in front of the garage door, then out on the street at her car. At one point, she grabbed casey and threw him against the car. i was just in disbelief. they finished up and she drove off. I think they were out there for about 15 minutes. 

We went home shortly after, and I was so disgusted with Andy i texted her and expressed my disgust. She called me and she told me not to judge her and i didnt know what her relationship was like, yada yada.  I ended up telling her my whole outlook on her changed.

The next day:

Got a text the next day from Andy at about noon saying "just got out of emergency room, need to talk". Hmm. for what? slut syndrome? 

So i call her up, she told me that she couldnt breath in the morning and was very sick, so she went to the hospital. They told her at the hospital that she had been drugged with enough GHB to sedate a large man. Really? are you gonna play that card? sigh. So i say "really? when do you think you got drugged?" to which she replied "im guessing sometime during the night. I dont think you would do it, but i dont really know your crew.." Excuse me? did you just accuse one of my friends of trying to date rape you? then she said "i dont know what happened, but i dont think we should talk anymore" WTF? i just say "ok" and that was it. 

My guess is she was trying to make a bad story so i got scared away, and also that would keep her b/f out of it. 2 birds with one stone. I think she is just a whore like the rest of them (no offense ladies). She went to lunch with a friend of mine that i had told the story to. Andy told the exact story to my friend, but left out on key part, the part where she made out with casey like a drunken prom date. 

We see her occasionally and she doesnt acknowledge our presense. I wish she wouldve just said "look, i got drunk and i fucked up. Can we keep this between us?" That wouldve been fine. 

Supra Trash Can Bowling

As every story starts out, this one starts with drinking beer. Took place in late summer of 99. After drinking large amounts of beer, Casey, Flink, Phil, and Josh decide to head out and terrorize the streets. Their weapon of choice: trash can. Cruising the ford Probe GT, Josh was driving and Casey was hanging out the passenger window dragging trash cans. We would accelerate quickly, then release the trash can at parked cars.
Driving down one road, Casey hanging on to a trash can, Josh reached speeds of 60mph. The trash can was released and slammed into the back of a car with a tremendous explosion of paper and banana peels. Looking closely at the car revealed that it was a Toyota Supra.
After driving around for a bit, the 4 geniuses in the car decided to go back to the crime scene to enjoy the euphoria of destruction. Upon arrival, we noticed trash covered the street. Getting closer to the car revealed a very angry owner sitting on the back of the Supra, baseball bat in hand.
Josh floored the gas, and went speeding by the owner of the supra with a trail of flying trash behind him. What followed could be considered a high speed chase.
When Josh pulled out on to the major street, the Supra was catching up fast. It was apparent there was no way the Ford Probe could out accelerate Toyota's Supercar. Josh decided to take a 90 degree turn at about 60mph in an effort to shake this crazed maniac. With the Supra right on the Probes ass, Josh yanked the wheel. The Probe, which had 4 people in it, stuck to the ground and had minimal tire squeel. After succesfully making the impossible turn, we looked back only to see the Supra had no trouble taking it. Within 3 seconds, the Supra turned off.
Why the Supra turned off will always be a mystery. Some say he thought in his head "fuck this", Some say he didnt want to chase us, just scare us. The truth will never be known.
Josh got the reputation of a race car driver, and the Ford Probe will always be a legendary machine because of that night.

Permafrost Rim Cleaning

sunday night around dusk circa summer 1998. decided that yukon jack's Perma Frost would probably be perfect with Gatorade's Permafrost. Result: inconclusive. story ends badly with with me, Casey, face down in a gravel drive cleaning my rims with a napkin. when i was down there im pretty sure i puked.

josh drove me home. got me to the door. propped me up. took out my keys and unlocked the door. his exact words were. ''Dude! Dude! Get ready! You're gonna go in there and close the door. go right up the steps and right in your room' and pass out. OK Go!''.. [screeching tires]

needless to say i was dressed and ready for school the next day before i even got out of bed:)